What do I mean when I say I am 40-fied?
So, you know the difference between a standard wine and a fortified wine right? Fortified wine is standard wine that has had a spirit added to it...well, I am a standard gal that, after 40 years, has found the spirit to add to her soul.
When I was trying to find a word to capture the transformation I underwent when I turned forty, fortified popped into my head...it sounded like it was a good fit, but not being a genius wordsmith (I actually had to google to find a word to describe someone who knows lots of words), I jumped on an online dictionary just to check the definition of fortified.
According to the Cambridge Dictionary to fortify something is to make something stronger, especially in order to protect it...hmm, I thought, between the meaning of fortified wine and the definition of 'fortify' I pretty much had it nailed with the term 40-fied. I might not be a proper word, but to me it beautifully summed up how I was feeling. When I turned 40, I discovered (rediscovered is probably more accurate) my spirit - a spirit that has given me a new level of strength and clarity in order to protect me from everything and anything the universe was going to throw at me as I entered the next phase of my life.
It sounds a little strange even to me, but it wasn't until I hit 40 that I actually felt like a grown up. I didn't even realise that this was the case. I had gone through the teenage years, I had put myself through university, I had got married, I had three kids and as far as I was aware I was as grown up as anyone else. On paper I was a grown up (and had been for a decade or two) but in reality I was still just a juvenile. Don't get me wrong, I was mature and responsible and capable, but juvenile in a sense that I was not complete...I was still growing and developing spiritually.
There wasn't one single light bulb moment, or a catastrophic even, or an encounter with an enlightened person that triggered the transformation that I was experiencing. I think I just started questioning things. I started becoming aware of how discontent I was despite having ticked all the boxes that I was supposed to tick. I had had a gut full of feeling angst. I felt restricted, trapped, angry, frustrated. But why? I was married with three young kids, had a reasonably successful business that I ran with my husband, I had a lovely home, the best parents and sister you could hope for, amazing friends and a healthy lifestyle...why the hell was I still feeling this underlying unhappiness?
I could bore you with all the thoughts I had, all the questions I asked and all the details of how I came to realise that I was living my life as a truncated version of myself, but I won't because when I read blogs, I want them to be short and sweet and to cut to the chase. Long story short, I became aware of who I was showing up in the world as. When I felt pressure or stress, I stopped and recognised where the pressure was coming from. When I felt nervous about doing something, I stopped and asked myself what's the worse that can happen. When I was angry, I stopped and asked myself what else was going on in that moment.
The single most transformational revelation I made was that became aware of the fact that all the pressure, all the anger, all the frustration was due to the fact that I was living my life according to other people's rules. It wasn't until I forced myself to stop and be aware of my emotions and reactions that I recognised that these rules I was living by were out of alignment with my own internal set of rules (or standards) and this was causing serious friction in my soul. As soon as I realised what was going on a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I felt grown up. I found the strength to stand up for what was genuinely important to ME...not my husband, not my Mum, not anyone. Likewise, I felt free to let go of the shit that belonged to others as well. No wonder I felt like I was not a grown up...I was still allowing other people to dictate not only my actions, but my emotions. Bloody hell, what a fool!
As I said, I could write all day about the details of each revelation I had and each layer of myself I discovered, (and maybe I will over future blogs), but I am a cut-to-the-chase kinda girl so I will leave it here. I really do feel like I am now a fortified (40-fied) version of my 39 year old self. As much as I love and respect the younger me, and always will, I don't think I will ever be her again...thank Christ!
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